The Achilles Heel

If you're in the abuse now, you know what it means to feel absolutely trapped.  Everyone on the outside world believes you have the perfect relationship, the perfect parent, or spouse.  Occasionally you probably get compliments about 'what a cool dad you've got' or 'I sure wish my husband was that helpful'.  You've probably watched for years as your abuser has been the helpful neighbor, the guy all his friends count on to help them when they move, the coach of the local sports team.  If you are like I was, you'd be happy if he'd simply treat you as well as he'd treats his co-workers or even perfect strangers.  This 'good-guy' behavior is simply a part of the cocoon, a way to assure you'll find it very difficult to get help from the people allowed near the family.  Now mind you, this outer circle of people are carefully measured to be kept at a precise distance.  They are close enough to be able to say, "Oh, yeah, I know him - he's a really great guy! No, officer, I've never even seen him angry. He coaches the baseball team and he's great with the kids.  As far as I can tell it looks like he and and his son get along fine."  They are not close enough to see the inner workings of the family.  If someone starts 'hanging' around the family... say, at the house over a period of time.  These people will begin to see the signs of a problem (name calling, ordering family members around, irrational irritation, blaming, etc.). If they question the behavior, it won't be long before they're ousted by the abuser.  Often it is more of a situation where the friend gets uncomfortable, sensing an underlining tension in the home and makes their own decision they'd rather invite you to hang out at their home than go to yours. They, of course, won't say anything to you about their concerns because they think they're probably just over reacting and don't want to offend you, but you know - and it's OK 'cause you're just as happy to be any where but at your home also.

If you go back and look at the table in the last chapter that shows the difference between public and domestic violence, you'll see that a lot of the differences lie in the number and types of people allowed to/called to witness the problem.  In the public incidents there are witnesses to the abuse, police officers, medical personnel, counselors, neighborhood awareness, even generalized public attention brought to the problem.  In the DV home no one outside of the victims are allowed witness to the abuse, either before or after.  Nor are the victims allowed to tell anyone or get help. Even medical attention is not sought unless the injury is bad enough to be noticed and questioned by the public. If so, the victim is allowed to go to the doctor with a carefully composed story about how they tripped down the stairs or fell off the back porch, etc.. Unless you are at the final stages of the 'death spiral', the beast is very careful about how it injures its victims so there will be no need for public alarm. It is careful to keep bruising to areas that are covered with clothing, pull hair, twist arms, shove, emotional and/or sexual abuse - things that meet it's purpose without visible physical evidence. 

So what is the beast's Achilles heel?  Simple:  LIGHT.  Like a cockroach, the beast scurries from anything that would shed light on it's feeding activities. 

Think about it this way:  This beast is absolutely anti-human, nor does it identify itself as such (it just plays one).  At it's base it does not have human instincts.  It must CREATE the illusion of normalcy.  It must, as you will, keep everyone in the DARK about its true nature for it to exist, otherwise we as social beings, driven by our own instinct to survive, would come together and immediately attempt to flee it or eradicate it much in the same way we handle public violence. 

If you were an alien studying mankind, looking in from another planet, you would not classify the DV abuser in the same category as the average human, even if you were to take into consideration all our struggles with mental health issues, substance abuse, etc..   The alien would most likely be confused about the 'appearance' versus the 'actions' - at the very least, they would label the DV abuser as a form of human cancer, a human-cell that has turned upon its own.  There are no coupling instincts outside of playing the game to assure them self a family feeding unit, no romantic love that cares for or identifies with its partner, no parenting instincts outside of the public show, no instincts to care for, nurture, educate, or identify with their own child.  The 'human-like' things that are done within or for the family are solely for the purpose of show so that they can maintain the illusion and not be caught.  For example, a spouse or family won't receive any gifts or personal mementos of affection (outside of the bribes or make-up gifts after the abuse).  The exception will be times like Christmas when the beast understands that the family will get together with the outer-circle friends/family who will be showing what their spouses gave them. It will make certain to purchase a gift that it thinks will give the outer-circle the appropriate message.  The thought behind the gift will not be 'what would my partner like?' but 'what would the outer-circle like to see?'  This is why the gifts you and your child occasionally do receive from the abuser (again, not the bribe gifts) are often cliche: a heart necklace, generic doll for girl child, generic car for boy child, etc.. These gifts are also suppose to be tools so that you can play your part in maintaining the illusion and 'fit in' if you are ever in the position of talking with other people that are sharing what they received for the holidays.