If you have a friend or a family member caught up in a violent relationship, you're in a hard spot.  You are probably frustrated and confused at why someone would seemingly choose to stay in such a unhealthy relationship.  It takes a toll on you every time you get that tearful phone call or see your friend dazed, dark circles under their eyes from lack of sleep.  Maybe they tell you or give you hints about what is happening to them behind closed doors, you beg them to leave, you offer your home and help - only to see them go back to their abusive relationship the next day.  You listen to them make excuses for the abuser and worry for their sanity. You worry that one day the violence will go too far and you will lose your friend - forever. 

I AM HERE TO VALIDATE YOUR CONCERN AND YOUR FRUSTRATING EXPERIENCE.

If you choose to be friends with someone involved in domestic violence, you WILL get a taste of the beast.  All that confusion, the Doctor Jekyll-Mr. Hyde mentality, the crazy-making reasoning...this is the world that your friend is cocooned in - trapped in.  If you want to help, if you want to give them a chance to escape, you must understand their world.  A person in DV does not reason or see the world like someone free from the violence.  They do not see a way out.  Their minds are brainwashed to believe that you do not really understand the situation - that you don't know the abuser like they do.  They know, on a cellular level, the extent of the danger they are in.  They know the threats and they know to believe them.  Often they endure to protect many other people: other family members, their children.

There is a way to help them, but it will call on all your strength to do so.  There will be times when you will need to hold a line that your friend will fight against.  At times your friend may make you feel like you are the 'bad guy', but you must be strong and never allow yourself to get caught up in your friend's brainwashed perceptions.   Below is a list of basic actions you must take if you are to help your friend or family member escape. 

You will be most effective if you can hold the hard line and follow them all. I know that you will struggle against drawing a line in the sand because it necessarily takes you completely out of the abuser's inner circles.  At times you will not be able to call or check on your friend - or ease your mind in any way about whether they are alive or hurt or even dead.  This will take inner strength and a strong personal relationship with your Highest Power.  If, however, you can remain strong and hold steady the line of right and wrong - if you can stand like a light house, a beacon to guide your friend - then, when your friend is ready  and able, they WILL come to you and, with your help, they will be able to escape.

The First Time You Suspect Your Friend/Family Member is in a DV Relationship:

• Learn about the signs/red flags about domestic violence
• Ask your friend if they are being hurt (share with them the check-list of red flags for domestic violence. Give them a copy.)
• If they say 'yes' they are being hurt, tell them they should contact a counselor, or Domestic Violence Crisis Line (give them the phone number)
• If they say 'no' they are not being hurt, tell them that if they ever are, they should contact a counselor, or Domestic Violence Crisis Line (give them the phone number)

The Second Time You Suspect a DV Relationship:

•  Very CLEARLY state your disapproval of the abusive relationship
•  Give your friend a copy of this book, or pamphlets from a local Domestic Violence Resource Center.
•  Give your friend a piece of paper with the phone number of Domestic Violence Crisis Line
• Very CLEARLY tell your friend that you WILL NOT SUPPORT a relationship that you believe to be abusive:  this means you will not attend gatherings at the abuser's house, you will not invite the abuser into your home, you will not spend any time 'pretending' that everything is 'OK, happy-family' with her.
• If your friend wants to spend any time talking about the 'wonderful qualities' of her abuser (this most likely will happen when she sees you are on to the situation), tell her up front that until she seeks help for the abuse, you do not want to discuss the abuser, period.
• Every time she contacts you, you make sure to ask her - speak the words:  "Has he/she (the abuser) hurt you?  Has he hurt your children? Has your children witnessed or overheard you being hurt?" (You must speak the words, no matter the response from your friend, so that she hears the truth of her situation.)

The Third Time Friend/Family Member Comes to You About the Abuse:

• Call the Domestic Violence Crisis Line with her.  Stay in the room and support her while she speaks with one of the counselors.  If she refuses to talk on the phone, YOU do the talking with her in the room.  Tell the counselor how worried you are about your friend and ask the counselor suggestions on what you can do to help your friend.  Then relay the information to her.
• Offer to help her set up counseling sessions for her.  Tell her that no one has to know she is going to counseling.  If possible, offer to drive her to her first couple of counseling appointments.
• If she refuses your help, CLEARLY SPEAK THESE WORDS:  "I am very worried for you (and your children).  I care about you so much and it is painful for me to see you hurting time after time.  I can't stand by any longer and just watch you being abused.  PLEASE DON'T CALL ME ANY MORE, OR TALK TO ME ABOUT BEING HURT UNLESS YOU WILL LET ME HELP YOU. It is not fair to me.  When you are ready to get help (see a counselor, call the police, or contact a Crisis Line) then I will be here to support you...otherwise, we can just say 'Hi' and talk about the weather or anything else, but I will no longer be someone you 'unload' on and then leave to go and be hurt again.  If you can not honor this request, I will not be able to be a part of your life - I will need to take some space, for my own sanity."

        The above statement will be one of the most difficult things you may ever have to say to someone you care about.  Trust me, this is THE MOST IMPORTANT and strongest stance you can take with someone who is stuck in domestic violence.  They will most likely reject your stance in the beginning.  They may argue with you, making you feel as if you are the betrayer.  You must find it in yourself to be strong, stand strong, because you are setting yourself up to be a very bright light.  If YOU can follow through with the above limits, then you will give your friend or family member a bright path towards freedom.  Do not be surprised when they test the limits.  Have a plan when they do - for example:  the next time your friend shows up at your door, crying or upset about the abuse - before you let them in the house you tell them clearly, "Are you ready to get help?  I want you to know that I will call the police if you have any bruises or wounds on you - are you OK with this?"  If your friend says 'Yes, I'm ready' then this could be your open window - take it and follow through with hooking her up with help.  If your friend says 'No...I just want to talk it through', then you must (and this will be painful) say, "I'm sorry, I can't let you in - it is too painful for me to see you hurting over and over.  When you are ready to get help, come back, and I will let you in."  THEN YOU MUST CLOSE THE DOOR.

It's not easy. I can't pretend it ever will be.  You are a hero if you take this on.  Never let yourself believe, not even for one instant, that you are copping out by holding a hard line against domestic violence.  Remember, the abuser has set an inner circle and an outer circle of people around your friend that will and have already supported or ignored the abuse, giving the victims the message that it really is not a problem, or it is their own fault, or they deserve it, or worse - the belief that no one will believe them or be able to help them before the abuser is able to carry out his terrifying threats against them or their children. 

YOU MUST BE STRONG AND YOU MUST, THE BEST YOU CAN, HOLD A HARD LINE AGAINST THE VIOLENCE.  You will do this by following the steps above, reporting any abuse brought to your attention - especially if their are children involved.  If there are children and they are allowed to visit, never be afraid to teach them about what is OK and not OK, or to inquire whether they are being hurt or scared.  They will most likely respond by saying an immediate 'no' - that is to be expected, but your response should be:  "Good, I would never want you to have to be hurt, but if you ever are hurt or experience the abuse we've talked about, you can always come to me and tell me.  I will believe you and I will help you."

That's all you can do - and it may not seem like much at the time, but believe me, from someone who's been there and who has children who experience the same, having someone tell you they will believe you and help you is HUGE!  It is the beginning of hope for a victim of domestic violence.

THE LAW 

There may be times when you will need to call the police.  Do not hesitate to do so, especially if children are involved.  If the situation is an emergency (you hear someone screaming or being hurt next door), call 911.  If you suspect that a child is being hurt or molested, call the Children's Crisis Line and report your concerns.  If you think a crime has taken place (you see your friend has a black or swollen eye, has cigarette burns, or has out right told you she is being beaten), call and report the crime to your local police department. 

Depending upon the situation, it may be handled in different ways.  Some times the authorities may act immediately, as in a child molestation.  Other times they may simply record your concern and keep it on record until they feel they have enough evidence to make a move. 

You do not have to give your name to make a report.  You can report your concerns anonymously to protect yourself and your family - but, be clear that each time someone comes out about abuse, it is not in vain.  Each report will make a difference as long as we, as a community, decide that violence is NEVER the answer, and violence and abuse against family members is UNACCEPTABLE.

Below are some times when you absolutely need to step up and make a statement against the violence by calling your local authorities:

WHEN TO CALL THE POLICE:

• If you are a neighbor or are ever in a position to hear screaming, crashing, or people being hurt 
• If you ever see unexplained bruises in the shape of an object or hand print, or an inflicted wound on a friend or family member
• If a friend or family member asks you to call the police because they are being threatened or hurt
• If a friend or family member has taken refuge from the violence in your home, and the abuser pounds on the door or windows and/or refuses to leave your yard. NEVER open the door for one moment to the abuser.
• If a child EVER comes to you asking for help because they are afraid to go home due to violence or other abuse
• If a child EVER says they have been touched in a sexual way by a parent or sibling, or other adult
• If a friend or family member says they were forced to have sex with the abuser, even if the abuser is a spouse
• If you are verbally or physically threatened by the abuser for helping their family member