Domestic violence rarely happens only once in a family or a relationship. You'll know you're dealing with the beast if you see a pattern.  Remember, I told you the beast is simple - you can ID it anywhere if you know what to look for.

This pattern has worked consistently for this beast probably since the beginning of time so there has really been no need for it to evolve past it.  You will hear counselors or therapists often described this as a cycle of violence.

It is important that you learn about this pattern and label it for yourself because IT WILL ESCALATE. The pattern itself stays the same but the violence used to milk the fear from its victims will escalate. This is because human nature tends to find ways to adapt, even to a violent situation.  Adaptation often gives the victim a higher thresh hold for managing the violence as they can begin to disassociate or avoid some confrontations.  These survival skills make it more difficult to arouse fear at lower levels of abuse.  Therefore, in order to satisfy it's hunger the beast will increase the abuse.  It would be better for the beast if you did not die and lived to feed it again, however, during a feeding it acts instinctually and will do what it must to satisfy its hunger.

The pattern and the very nature of DV is a death spiral.

Phases:

• Set-up
• Abuse
• Fear of reprisal
• Rationalization
• Normal behavior
• Planning
• Set-up
• Repeat 

Set-up

The beast creates and controls situations so that you will have no choice but to react in a way that it'll use to justify the abuse.

Abuse

When the beast is ready to feed it starts the violence. The attack is a display of power and control over the victim and over everyone else in the household. Over time, the abuse worsens.

Fear of reprisal

After the abuse, the beast starts damage control.  It is not worried that it hurt you or your children. It is, however, concerned about being caught and held accountable for the abuse (take note of it's Achilles heel). The abuser may apologize, make excuses for the abusive behavior, pledge to never do it again, and use gifts, promises, and bribes which the victim often assumes is a stance of guilt.  The real purpose is to silence the victim and prevent the victim from speaking out.

Rationalization

The beast will never take responsibility for its action. It will state it is the victim’s fault. It will try to justify the abuse: the victim made the me mad, it is the victim’s fault, etc. This provides a justification for the abusive behavior and can then be used again to start the violence during a future feeding cycle. The beast will always deny and ignore personal responsibility for the abuse.

Normal behavior

Between incidents of abuse the beast often acts as if nothing happened. The victim is coerced to participate in the cover-up. The abuser threatens the victim’s credibility by saying thing like, “No one will believe you.” The abuser may also make subtle or direct threats, such as, “If you say anything, you will never see your children (mom, brother, sister, etc..) again”  Often, the victim is manipulated through guilt.

Planning

The beast will be hungry again and it is always thinking about its next meal.  It often fantasizes about past and future abuses, which feeds it's hunger and propels it to begin actively planning the next abuse. It may plan a future attack using excuses from the rationalization stage. The beast will also begin to set the victim up.

Repeat

The above pattern will continue until the death of the family member or friend - or until the beast is held accountable.