The Beast:  the entity that is domestic violence

The term 'beast' seems so wrong, especially when speaking of someone's family member, someone's parent, boyfriend, or spouse.  If, however, you've been in a family or a relationship with domestic violence then you know 'the beast'.  It's usually seen in the eyes of the abuser, wild, glassed over - you do not even recognize the person you love any more.  The names they call you, the obscenities they scream, they start to blame you for everything, escalating until there is no defense and your head spins trying to think of a way out.  Some of you will try to fight, most of you have learned to retreat, or absorb the blows - often hoping to protect the children, or a younger sibling by taking it on yourself.  Eventually the beast is satisfied and the house gets quieter, you try not to cry or to make any noise or take any action that may set it off again.  A part of you relaxes just a little knowing that you may have a some time before the next cycle - if your lucky another day, maybe even a week (you can always hope).  

If you are serious about getting safely out, you MUST learn to differentiate between the beast and the father, husband, boyfriend, or family member that you love....and, yes, I understand that you DO love them (or at least you did at one time).  In fact, you probably have a pretty developed vision in your head about what it would be like if he loved you more, if you were prettier, if he wasn't under so much stress, if you were smarter, cleaner, better at sports...the list goes on and on.  I bet it's a pretty good life there, in your imaginary world - where you've fixed all your problems and magically he has changed into the perfect, loving person you always wanted, complete with the perfect white-pickett-fence-family. Yeah, I know - it's OK, you had to try and make sense of the craziness...and it makes you crazy in the process.  You DO love him or at least love what he represents to you - he's your dad or he's your husband.  I am going to give you permission now to do something: I want you to put all those dreams and hopes and even the good memories you have of non-violent, even normal, family times in a box and store it away somewhere in your body - not the heart though, too cliche and way too unstable right now. Put it in your knee, your right hand, elbow, somewhere you can get at later after you are safe. 

Now, you have to try and clear your mind, be serious, because, even though there may still be some good moments, in DV they tend to get farther and farther apart and the violence gets harsher and more numbing to where you will think less and less clearly. Face it, if you are reading this, you are probably already fairly numb, and are finding it hard to think clearly about anything.  With the good dad, husband, or boyfriend, safely put away - here is what you need to know about the beast:

THE BEAST IS SIMPLE  It's simplicity is good for those who are not already captured, or not born into it's lair. They can learn about its habits and steer clear. If you are in the beginning stages of a relationship, you can safely get out.  However, once the beast believes he 'owns' you, you will need to be very careful.  How do you know if the beast thinks he owns you?  Usually, the best test is if you are able to identify the cycle of violence (described in detail in Chapter 2). If you can see this feeding pattern early on or while still at the 'emotional abuse' stage, you have a good chance to get out. Once it moves past the emotional abuse stage and enters into physical abuse, even one time, you are in dangerous territory.  Also, you are immediately "owned" if you are married to it or have a child with it.  You are born 'owned' if you are a child of the abuser. 

THE BEAST LIVES TO FEED  Period. There is no ego at work, no goal, no plan to take over the world, it really doesn't spend any time mulling over your faults, wishing you were prettier or smarter, etc..  It just wants to feed and to be certain that it has an endless, non-interrupted supply of food.  What does it eat?  FEAR.  The more you are afraid, the more satisfied its stomach.  The danger lies in that the beast will take the violence and the abuse to whatever level needed at the time to fulfill it's appetite.  So don't think you can simply not show fear, or some how go to your 'happy place' during a dining rage - because it will only escalate until you feed it.  The escalation doesn't always have to be physical violence either.  The beast is a master at knowing its people (food) and it knows the buttons to push - perhaps threats of hurting the children or breaking their favorite toys, keeping you from them, hurting another family member, destroying something precious to you.  There are times when you may have thought that it just wants full control - that it hungers for power.  No, it already has that...it creates an environment where there is no one to challenge it - and no one does.  Although the family tries to make sense of the beast's rages by associating it with a bad day at the office, there is really no pattern except a cycle of violence.  He could have been given a promotion and been taken to lunch by the boss, but if the beast is hungry, when he gets home he will literally notice a crumb on the floor or the phone will ring and he will begin to feed.  If you are experiencing domestic violence, you know what I'm talking about.

Important: Just like you don't get in a dog's face during eating time, you don't EVER want to try and fight the beast when its feeding.  In fact, if you have not figured it out by now, read carefully:  You will not be able to defeat this beast at its own game.  In fact, hatred and violence are really just another escalated form of fear and therefore can just as easily feed the beast.  Even if you would take your fear so far as to try and harm or kill the beast, you will only hurt yourself - end up in prison, leave your children motherless, or your own mother mourning.  THIS BEAST CAN ONLY BE DEFEATED WITHOUT VIOLENCE.   

FEEDERS   Another important thing to know: not everyone in the family is food - or at least it's not their main function.  Most families will have carefully trained 'feeders'.  These are the family members that support the beast, take care of the 'food', and help train children in the art of secrecy - a kind of don't ask, don't tell policy.  They are also very important in handling damage control.  They are the ones that usually sing the abuser's praise in public, make up stories about how 'clumsy Bobby' is always falling off of things.  These can be grandparents, uncles or aunts, dad's best friends...usually people who the abuser hangs with the most.  Any outsider or friend allowed into the inner circle is carefully judged on their ability to be controlled or manipulated.  The most common 'feeder' unfortunately tends to be a mother that has been worn down, lost her ability to think clearly, and has begun to believe that she is actually 'protecting' her family by her actions.  If there is a challenge by a friend or family member about perceived DV behavior, they are immediately ostracized, a bogus reason is offered, but one that would not dare be challenged by the inner-circle who will be forced to support the call. 

If you are a feeder on the inner circle (usually immediate family members), you will most likely be experiencing the abuse as well.   If you are a feeder on the outer circle (usually work-associated friends, old childhood friends, friends from church or other social groups, in-laws...) you will rarely, if ever, see the beast act out violently.  This makes it easier to rationalize away the various red-flags that come to your attention once in a while.  The tragedy is that these are often the first people a child will go to to ask for help (a terrifying risk for the child) and these people will usually discount the child's experience leaving the child horrified that they might tell their abuser what was said and hopeless that no one will ever believe them. It will probably be a very long time before they try to tell someone again.

ISOLATION   It is often of the utmost importance to the beast that the abuser is perceived to be a good citizen, a good parent, the neighborhood's coolest 'dad', faithful employee.  It's importance is in direct alignment with the socio-economic circle the family is associated with.  The beast wants to reflect the high-end of the social spectrum it associates with therefore assuring them more power and influence to manipulate circumstances to protect its way of life, ensuring its food supply. The beast is careful in choosing who is allowed into the circle and it is not unusual that the circle of 'permitted family and friends' becomes smaller and smaller as the violence escalates.  The more obvious the abuse becomes, the more bruises to hide, the more acting out of the children, the more the beast will isolate the family.  Soon, you may see grandparents only on holidays, and the rages before or after a friend's visit will make the visits less and less desirable, until the family is securely isolated from those that would rock the boat.